here comes a really heartfelt rant about the word home.
for those of you who don’t know, i’ve hopped around a few times in my life. there have been a lot of abrupt moves & one in particular that made the most impact; 3000 miles is daunting, especially for a 13 year old who thought she had every detail of her life already planned out. as a result of each living adjustment, i guess you could say “home” became a very hazy term for me. it seemed like when i finally settled down into a place, when i was finally ready to deem that “house” a “home”, it was time to pick up & move again. & as a result, i became a bit of a detached person.
i’m afraid i can be a little bit pessimistic with a dash of cynical. i have my super duper goofy side, don’t get me wrong. one of my favorite colors is yellow & some days it’s like pixie dust & daises are flowing out my soul. but, especially after the big move, i became pretty skeptical when it came to the word “home”. i hated north carolina. it just left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t even care to try & change how i felt. i just wanted to hate it & that was that. i put up walls, & i put them up out of fear. because if i let myself fall in love with north carolina, wouldn’t i be forced to move again? i was afraid of getting too attached or too emotionally invested in anyone or anything… because i couldn’t bear the sorrow of having it ripped away from you. & looking back, i realize that this was a trend. in friendships, relationships, & living environments… that lack of stability & that unsettling feeling will definitely cause you to put up walls. especially for teenage meredith.
now, let’s fast forward to now. i just bought this bracelet::
(no, i didn’t buy it just because of the pun… but that was like 70% of the reason...)
this is the first time i’ve been proud, & even willing, to call this my home. it’s just a bracelet, meredith. well yeah, it is just a bracelet. but to me, it carries some deeper meaning. it means i’m ready to establish a home. it means those walls are coming down. & here’s why:
my bestest pal & homegirl Susanna just wrote this awesome post. she entitled it, to survive study abroad you are going to need a sanctuary. she defines home as “a place where you are completely one hundred percent with no exceptions comfortable.” & she goes on to introduce the word sanctuary, defined as “protection or a safe place, especially for someone or something being chased or hunted.”
i’m gonna riff off her brilliant post & tell you to survive being human, you are going to need this place. this safe haven, this place of comfort. a place to let your walls down & a place to be yourself.
& this is where this post gets sappy. i think as a moody teenager, i expected there to be some place that i could go that would be my home. now, as a young adult, as someone who has had every ounce of safety ripped from her & had forgotten what comfort & protection felt like… i have come to understand that this safe haven does not exist in a physical place on earth.
my safe haven is Christ. but even more beautiful is the way my Christ has made Himself known to me these days. He can’t be here physically to hold my hand, but He has made sure there was someone to do it for Him. home, to me, has become something more than just a place. home, to me, is my love bug, his hand holding mine, encompassing me in a safe embrace. home is the warmth & comfort i feel in my soul when i’m spending time with my mother. home is the laughter i share with my father. home is a phone call from or rambling session with my sister. home is the plethora of e-mails & chats with my bestest gal pal. home is a cuddle with my pup. home has become smiles from strangers, a shared understanding that we are all lonely, we are all scared, we are all searching for a glimpse of home in another human. we are all searching for recognition & acknowledgement. we are all searching for a place to be ourselves.
in conclusion, this brings me to my life’s purpose: i want to be a home. i want to allow Christ to make His home in my heart, so that He can manifest Himself as a home in me to others. i want to be a place where my loved ones can have the perfect comfort to be themselves. i want to be a person who’s presence also brings the presence of the One who is the ultimate safe haven. a home, a sanctuary, a safe house, a resting place, whatever you want to call it… we are all in search for it, aren’t we? we all want to belong.
in order to survive being a human, you are going to need a home.
who is your home?