so i’m genuinely just sitting down to write with no idea what i’m going to say. i’m guessing this post is just going to be a lot of word vomit. sorry in advance.
i know i haven’t written in a while. if i’m just going to be blatantly honest, it’s because i feel like crap. actually, scratch that. i feel worse than crap. i’ve had a lot of posts i’ve wanted to post, but they’re such happy posts & i don’t have a lot of happy within me right now. in fact, i mostly started writing this post to distract me from the fact that i was crying & that the only thought running thorough my head was “i can’t do this anymore.” which is really sad. because that’s a really depressing thought.
i used to struggle with severe depression, & in the last year managed to overcome it. it was mainly based in a feeling of worthlessness & self hatred, due to the people in my life & my relationships with them. i worked extremely hard at it & had to choose every single day to wake up & challenge those feelings. i had to sever friendships. i had to alter relationships. i had to put myself first. & i had to choose to believe i was worth loving. i’m so proud of myself for that journey, & for being in a place today where i am much nicer to myself & can say that i am worth love & respect. loving others actually starts with loving yourself, & i’m so glad to be in a mindset where i can pour out love for others while still treating myself with love.
however, i’ve been encountering a new kind of sadness. & it comes from the fact that i am a very ill person. despite the fact that i do everything in my power to stay well, from getting a good amount of sleep, to drinking endless amounts of water a day, to eating well balanced meals, to taking countless vitamins & supplements… i am always sick. nope, not being dramatic. i’ve been sick this entire month. & pretty much all of last year. & a good chunk of my life. hashtag, i’m chronically ill. & what’s more is that i am also always injured. for example, i began my college career as a music major, to then injure my voice & no longer be able to sing. i then switched to an art major, which became not only a major but truly a therapy to me. alas, now i have tendonitis in both my arms, which inhibits me from really working with my hands as much as i’d like. & yes, that even means it keeps me from blogging as much. so, all of my outlets for stress & sadness have been taken away. & as i’m currently laying in bed, spending the last week with tonsillitis & pharyngitis, & now suffering from just a regular ole’ cold, i’m blooming depressed.
so not fair! i mean, didn’t i totally just conquer depression? isn’t it time for me to get a break now? no? oh. okay. & that’s just it. it doesn’t end. ya see, my birthday is in a week, & i really could care less. in fact, i’m dreading it. i don’t really want to celebrate my life, because at this point, i’m not really living it. i’m merely surviving. suffering through each illness & injury & major crisis that faces me. i don’t remember the last time i wasn’t in pain. so, no, a day dedicated to celebrate another year of life is not something i’m looking forward to, because i am not looking forward to another year of pain, sickness, & misery.
i know, i know, woah mere. dramatic much? where’s the happy go lucky girl that usually posts on here? right? sorry. i really am sorry. because this is reality. this is how my life is, & has been for years & years. it’s hard not to feel like one big burden of a human. & it’s hard to be real with people. because this is all stuff i would never say to my friends. to my friends, i would smile & say “i’ll get through it!”, or make a joke about how isn’t it funny that i’m sick AGAIN, i mean wasn’t it just last week i got over the flu? if i were emailing my teachers, i’d be apologizing profusely for being an inconvenience & promising i’ll somehow get all the work done despite missing a month of class. & if i were posting on here, i’d be distracting myself with stationary & homeware hauls. well, here’s your first raw post! a day in the life of mere!
in conclusion, i don’t really know why i made this post. i guess i was frustrated with myself for not posting just because i wasn’t happy. it’s hard not to want to just put up one aspect of myself. it’s hard not to want to portray a happy girl who faces adversity with ease & elegance. i mean, don’t we all suffer? don’t we all have bad days & don’t we all cry? so why should any of us be ashamed to own up to that? i won’t keep myself from posting because i feel like crap. & i hope you don’t keep your pain hidden away either. if you’d made it this far, if you’re still reading, remember that you don’t have to suffer in silence. it’s okay to hurt. i have spent too long listening to people who told me that i needed to stop hurting. that i needed to get over myself. that i needed to be silent. & if you’re in that situation too, join me by screaming a big NO. no, i won’t be silent. no, i won’t pretend i’m okay until i am. i will own my sadness, own my pain, own my suffering, & surround myself with the people that will say “i will stand with you until you are better”.
i am doing everything in my power to be better. i suppose, maybe i will never physically improve. maybe i will always be sick. & right now, i’m so not okay with that. right now, each minute is hard to live because each minute is filled with so much pain. but i will learn & i will grow & i will try to be okay with that. i will try to find happiness in the pain. & i will surround myself with people who will help me get there, instead of silence me. nothing is worse than people that constantly de-validate you. in this space, on this blog, i reject that. you are VALID. what you feel is VALID. & you are allowed to hurt, as much as you are allowed to love yourself through it. we are crafted fragments, we are a mosaic of pain & wonder, right? perhaps i haven’t done the best job of encompassing our mantra, but i promise to reconnect with that & remind all of us that it’s okay to be not okay. someday, we will be a masterpiece. & we will be able to find beauty in the broken.
all my love as always, with a little extra for the bad days,